Being, Doing, Having: A Path to Authentic Fulfillment

Most of us have been taught to pursue happiness backward. We believe that once we have certain things—the promotion, the relationship, the house, the body—we can do what we want, and then we'll finally be happy, confident, or fulfilled. This Having-Doing-Being sequence feels intuitive, but it often leaves us perpetually chasing the next achievement while inner peace remains elusive.

The Being-Doing-Having philosophy invites a radical reordering: First cultivate who you want to be (your inner state, values, identity). From that grounded place, take aligned actions. The results and possessions you desire then flow more naturally and sustainably. This isn't magical thinking—it's supported by research on intrinsic motivation, self-determination theory, and mindfulness-based approaches to well-being.

Understanding the Being-Doing-Having Framework

The Conventional Approach: Having-Doing-Being

The typical sequence most people follow:

1. Having: "Once I have X (money, relationship, achievement)..."
2. Doing: "Then I can do Y (travel, relax, pursue my passion)..."
3. Being: "And finally I'll be Z (happy, confident, at peace)"

Why it often fails:

• Moving goalposts: Achievement rarely brings the expected fulfillment, so we chase the next thing
• External dependency: Your state depends on circumstances beyond your control
• Delayed living: Happiness is always in the future, never now
• Fragile foundation: Losses or setbacks collapse your sense of self
• Never enough: Without internal contentment, no external achievement satisfies

Example: "Once I get promoted (having), I'll have time for hobbies (doing), and then I'll be fulfilled (being)." But the promotion brings more responsibilities, and fulfillment remains out of reach.

The Transformative Approach: Being-Doing-Having

The reordered sequence:

1. Being: Cultivate your desired inner state, values, and identity now
2. Doing: Take actions aligned with that state of being
3. Having: Results and possessions flow from aligned action

Why it works:

• Present fulfillment: Happiness isn't postponed—it's cultivated now
• Internal locus: Your state comes from within, not from circumstances
• Aligned action: Choices flow from values, not desperation or external pressure
• Resilient foundation: Setbacks don't shatter you because your worth isn't tied to outcomes
• Natural results: Achievements come from authentic effort, not striving for validation

Example: "I choose to be creative and present now (being). I'll create art that expresses me (doing). Recognition and opportunities may follow (having), but my fulfillment doesn't depend on them."

The Psychology Behind Being-Doing-Having

Self-Determination Theory

Research shows three psychological needs for well-being:

• Autonomy: Acting from your authentic self
• Competence: Growing and mastering challenges
• Relatedness: Connecting meaningfully with others

Being-Doing-Having alignment: When you cultivate being (autonomy), take aligned action (competence), results feel meaningful rather than empty.

Having-Doing-Being problem: Pursuing external rewards undermines autonomy and can decrease intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

Extrinsic motivation (typical Having-Doing-Being):

• Driven by external rewards or avoiding punishment
• Less sustainable over time
• Can undermine enjoyment of activities
• Creates dependence on validation

Intrinsic motivation (Being-Doing-Having):

• Driven by internal satisfaction, curiosity, values
• Highly sustainable
• Enhances well-being and performance
• Creates resilience and autonomy

Research finding: People motivated intrinsically report greater life satisfaction, creativity, and persistence than those chasing external rewards.

Mindfulness and Presence

Mindfulness practices cultivate being:

• Awareness of present moment
• Non-judgmental acceptance
• Observing thoughts and feelings without identification
• Grounding in body and breath

Connection: Mindfulness is essentially training in "being"—experiencing yourself beyond thoughts, achievements, and circumstances.

Identity-Based Change

Research on behavior change shows identity is more powerful than outcome goals.

Outcome-based (Having): "I want to lose 20 pounds" Identity-based (Being): "I am someone who nourishes their body"

Finding: People who shift identity first create more lasting change than those focused solely on outcomes.

How to Cultivate "Being"

1. Identify Your Desired State

Who do you want to be? (Not what do you want to have)

Questions to explore:

• If I had everything I wanted, what kind of person would I be?
• What qualities do I admire in others? (Creative, peaceful, confident, loving, wise?)
• How do I want to feel in my daily life?
• What values do I want to embody?

Examples of "being" states:

• Peaceful, centered, grounded
• Creative, expressive, playful
• Confident, self-assured, authentic
• Loving, compassionate, connected
• Energized, vital, fully alive

Key insight: Often what we want to "have" is really about the state we think it will give us. Want money? Maybe you want to be secure or free. Want a relationship? Maybe you want to be loved or connected.

2. Separate Being from Having

The trap: "I'll be confident once I'm successful" ties your state to circumstances.

The shift: "I choose to be confident now. Success may follow, or not, but my confidence isn't dependent on it."

Practice:

• Notice when you postpone a state: "I'll be happy when..."
• Ask: "Can I access this state now, even slightly?"
• Experiment: "What if I practiced being X for just 5 minutes today?"

Truth: You can cultivate almost any state independent of circumstances. Circumstances make it easier or harder, but your being isn't purely determined by them.

3. Practice Being Through Mindfulness

Being is accessed in present moment awareness.

Strategies:

• Meditation: Sit quietly, observe breath, notice you exist beyond thoughts and plans
• Body awareness: Feel sensations, ground in physical presence
• Stillness: Pause between activities, resist the urge to always be doing
• Nature: Spend time in natural settings, practice simple presence
• Savoring: Fully experience simple pleasures without rushing to the next thing

Why it works: Mindfulness reveals that you are already complete in this moment—"being" doesn't require doing or having anything.

4. Embody Your Desired State Now

Act as if you already are who you want to be.

Examples:

• Want to be creative? Make time for creative expression today, not "someday"
• Want to be generous? Give what you can now—time, attention, kindness
• Want to be confident? Stand tall, speak clearly, take up space
• Want to be peaceful? Create moments of calm, even in a busy day
• Want to be healthy? Make choices aligned with that identity today

Affirmation shift:

• Not: "I will be successful"
• Instead: "I am someone who shows up fully and does meaningful work"

Taking Aligned Action: The "Doing"

From Being to Doing

Once you clarify and cultivate your state of being, action becomes natural.

The flow:

1. Ground in being: "I am creative, authentic, and purposeful"
2. Ask: "What action aligns with this state?"
3. Act: Do what flows from that being, without attachment to specific outcomes

Contrast with having-first approach:

• Having-first: "What should I do to get X?" (often forced, strategic, anxious)
• Being-first: "What wants to be expressed through me?" (natural, authentic, energized)

Characteristics of Aligned Action

Aligned action feels:

• Authentic: True to your values and identity
• Energizing: May be challenging but doesn't deplete you
• Intrinsically rewarding: Satisfying in itself, not just for results
• Natural: Flows rather than forced
• Present: Engaged in process, not just outcome

Misaligned action feels:

• Forced: Driven by "should" rather than genuine desire
• Depleting: Drains energy, feels like grinding
• Result-dependent: Only worthwhile if it achieves specific outcome
• Strategic: Calculated to impress or succeed, not authentic
• Future-focused: Endured for promised payoff, no present satisfaction

Make Decisions from Being

Before major decisions, ground in being first.

Process:

1. Get quiet and present
2. Connect with your desired state and values
3. Ask: "From this place, what feels right?"
4. Notice body wisdom—what expands vs. contracts you?
5. Choose the path aligned with your being, trusting the having will follow

Example: Career choice

• Having-first: "Which path makes more money or impresses people?"
• Being-first: "Which path lets me be creative, authentic, and of service?"

Receiving: The "Having"

Results Flow from Aligned Action

When you act from authentic being, results often come—but differently than expected.

What you may experience:

• Unexpected opportunities: Aligned with who you are, not what you chased
• Meaningful success: Achievements that genuinely satisfy
• Right relationships: People attracted to your authentic self
• Financial stability: From work you find intrinsically rewarding
• Inner peace: Not dependent on any specific outcome

Important: Results aren't guaranteed, and they may not match your original vision. Being-Doing-Having isn't magical manifestation—it's about living from your values and accepting what unfolds.

Detachment from Outcomes

Paradox: Caring less about specific outcomes often brings better results.

Why:

• Less desperation: Neediness repels opportunities
• More creativity: Freedom to experiment when you're not attached
• Better decisions: Not distorted by fear or grasping
• Greater resilience: Setbacks don't crush you
• Authentic presence: People respond to genuine being, not performance

Practice: "I act from my values and being. I welcome whatever results come, knowing I'm already whole."

Gratitude for What Is

Being-Doing-Having includes appreciating what you already have.

Shift:

• Not: "I'll be grateful when I have X"
• Instead: "I'm grateful now, which opens me to receiving more"

Research finding: Gratitude increases well-being and actually correlates with achieving goals—it doesn't reduce motivation, it enhances it.

Practical Exercises

Exercise 1: Being Inventory

Duration: 20 minutes What you'll need: Journal

Steps:

1. List 5 things you want to have or achieve
2. For each, ask: "What state of being do I think this will give me?"
3. Write: "If I had X, I would be [confident/peaceful/loved/free/creative]"
4. Ask: "Can I cultivate this state now, without waiting for X?"
5. Choose one "being" quality to practice this week

Why it works: Reveals that what you're really seeking is a state of being, which you can access now.

Exercise 2: Morning Being Practice

Duration: 10 minutes daily What you'll need: Quiet space

Steps:

1. Sit comfortably, close eyes
2. Take several deep breaths
3. Ask: "Who do I choose to be today?" (not what will I do or achieve)
4. Visualize embodying that quality—how does it feel in your body?
5. Set intention: "Today I will be [peaceful/creative/loving/confident]"
6. Throughout day, reconnect to this intention

Why it works: Grounds each day in being rather than frantic doing.

Exercise 3: Aligned Action Audit

Duration: 15 minutes weekly What you'll need: Journal

Questions:

• What did I do this week? List main activities
• Which actions felt aligned with my values and being?
• Which felt forced, depleting, or misaligned?
• What would I do differently if I prioritized being over having?
• One action to add next week? One to release or modify?

Why it works: Increases awareness of when you're acting from being vs. chasing having.

Exercise 4: Embodiment Practice

Duration: 5 minutes, several times daily What you'll need: Nothing

Steps:

1. Pause whatever you're doing
2. Take three conscious breaths
3. Notice physical sensations—feet on ground, breath, body
4. Ask: "Am I being, or just doing?"
5. Reconnect to your desired state
6. Continue activity from this grounded place

Why it works: Prevents getting lost in pure doing, reconnects you to being throughout the day.

Common Challenges and Solutions

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider therapy or coaching if:

• You struggle to access any sense of peace or contentment, regardless of circumstances
• Anxiety or depression make present-moment being very difficult
• Past trauma makes it unsafe to be present in your body
• You're stuck in compulsive achieving to avoid painful feelings
• You want support developing mindfulness or values-based living

Helpful approaches:

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Clarifies values and promotes present-moment awareness
• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): Develops being through meditation
• Existential therapy: Explores identity and meaning beyond achievement
• Somatic therapy: Reconnects you to body and being
• Life coaching: Supports aligned action and goal-setting from values

Summary

• Being-Doing-Having inverts conventional wisdom: cultivate your inner state first, act from that place, let results follow
• Having-Doing-Being fails because it ties your worth to external circumstances and postpones fulfillment to an ever-receding future
• Being is cultivated through mindfulness, values clarification, and choosing to embody your desired state now
• Aligned action flows naturally from grounded being and is intrinsically rewarding
• Results come differently than expected but are more sustainable and meaningful
• Research supports this approach through self-determination theory, intrinsic motivation studies, and identity-based change
• This is practice, not perfection—gently return to being each time you notice you're lost in chasing

Further Reading

For more on related topics, explore:

• Finding Purpose and Meaning - Discover what gives your life direction
• Mindfulness for Beginners - Develop the foundation of being through meditation
• Cultivating Gratitude - Appreciate what is while remaining open to growth
• Building Self-Esteem - Develop worth from within, not from achievement
• Overcoming Perfectionism - Release the need to be perfect to be worthy