Giving and Receiving Feedback

Feedback is essential for growth—we cannot see our blind spots without others reflecting them back to us. Yet feedback is often avoided, poorly delivered, or defensively received. Learning to give feedback that lands constructively and to receive feedback with openness can transform relationships, accelerate development, and create cultures where improvement thrives.

Why Feedback Is Hard

For the Giver

• Fear of damaging the relationship
• Worry about hurting someone's feelings
• Uncertainty about how it will be received
• Concern about being seen as critical or negative
• Discomfort with potential conflict

For the Receiver

• Feedback can feel like attack on identity
• Triggers the brain's threat response
• Challenges our self-image
• May evoke shame or defensiveness
• Can feel unfair or misunderstood

The Result

Because feedback is uncomfortable, we either:

• Avoid it entirely (depriving others of growth opportunity)
• Deliver it poorly (causing harm rather than help)
• Receive it defensively (missing valuable information)

Developing skill in both giving and receiving feedback changes this dynamic.

Principles of Effective Feedback

Feedback Should Be...

Specific: "In yesterday's meeting, when you interrupted Sarah twice..." rather than "You're always interrupting."

Behavioral: Focus on observable actions, not personality traits or intentions.

Timely: Delivered close to the event, not months later.

Private: Delivered one-on-one for corrective feedback (praise can be public).

Balanced: Include what's working alongside what needs improvement.

Actionable: Point toward what can be changed.

Requested or expected: Unsolicited feedback is harder to receive.

Feedback Should Not Be...

• Vague or general
• About unchangeable traits
• Delivered in public (for corrective feedback)
• Stored up for annual reviews
• Entirely negative
• Focused on what can't be changed
• Surprising (in established relationships)

Giving Feedback Effectively

The SBI Framework

A structured approach for delivering feedback:

Situation: When/where did this occur? "In yesterday's team meeting..."

Behavior: What specifically did the person do? "...when the timeline was discussed, you said the deadline was unrealistic without offering alternatives..."

Impact: What was the effect? "...the team seemed discouraged, and we left without a clear plan."

The Feedforward Approach

Instead of focusing on what went wrong in the past, focus on what could be different going forward:

• "Here's what would be helpful in future..."
• "Next time, you might try..."
• "Going forward, I'd love to see..."

Creating Safety

Before delivering feedback:

• Clarify intention: Make sure you want to help, not vent
• Choose the right moment: Not when they're stressed or rushed
• Ask permission: "I have some observations about X. Would you be open to hearing them?"
• Start with care: Make it clear you're invested in their success

The Sandwich Myth

The "compliment-criticism-compliment" sandwich is widely known and often feels manipulative. Instead:

• Be genuinely positive when something is positive
• Be direct when something needs to change
• Don't bury critical feedback between empty praise
• Let your overall relationship convey care, not just the framing of feedback

Difficult Feedback Conversations

For significant performance or behavioral issues:

1. Prepare in advance with specific examples
2. Be direct but compassionate
3. Share impact clearly
4. Listen to their perspective
5. Agree on clear next steps
6. Follow up to check progress

Receiving Feedback Gracefully

The Challenge of Receiving

Even well-delivered feedback can trigger:

• Defensiveness
• Explaining or justifying
• Counterattacking
• Shutting down
• Feeling demoralized

These responses are natural but get in the way of growth.

Reframing Feedback

From: "This is an attack on who I am" To: "This is information about one behavior in one moment"

From: "They're wrong/unfair" To: "What might be true in what they're saying?"

From: "I need to defend myself" To: "I need to understand their perspective"

Strategies for Receiving Feedback

1. Create a pause:

• Take a breath before responding
• Buy time: "Thank you for sharing that. Let me think about it."
• Notice your body's stress response

2. Listen fully:

• Don't prepare your defense while they speak
• Ask clarifying questions
• Reflect back what you're hearing

3. Separate the data from the story:

• What is the specific observation?
• What interpretation or judgment is layered on?
• You can accept the data without accepting the story

4. Assume good intent:

• Most people giving feedback want to help
• Even poorly delivered feedback often has value
• Look for the grain of truth

5. Thank them:

• Giving feedback takes courage
• Thanking someone makes them more likely to share in the future
• "Thank you for telling me this. I'll reflect on it."

6. Don't respond immediately:

• Sleep on significant feedback
• Notice if your reaction changes over time
• Respond after emotions settle

7. Seek patterns:

• If multiple people give similar feedback, pay attention
• Your blind spots are invisible to you by definition
• Recurring themes are signals worth heeding

Practical Exercises

Exercise 1: Feedback Request Practice

Duration: Ongoing What you'll need: Courage and openness

Steps:

1. Identify 2-3 people who see your work regularly
2. Ask: "What's one thing I could do better at [specific area]?"
3. Listen without defending
4. Thank them genuinely
5. Reflect on what you heard
6. Take one action based on feedback
7. Report back to them on what you changed

Why it works: Proactively seeking feedback makes you less defensive when receiving it.

Exercise 2: SBI Practice

Duration: 15 minutes What you'll need: Journal

Steps:

1. Think of feedback you need to give someone
2. Write out the Situation-Behavior-Impact:
   • Situation: When and where?
   • Behavior: What specifically did they do?
   • Impact: What was the effect?
3. Check: Is it specific? Behavioral? Actionable?
4. Practice saying it aloud
5. Deliver it when the time is right

Why it works: Structure makes feedback clearer and more useful.

Exercise 3: Feedback Reaction Journal

Duration: After receiving feedback What you'll need: Journal

Steps:

1. Write the feedback you received (as objectively as possible)
2. Write your initial emotional reaction
3. Write what defense or justification arose
4. Wait 24 hours
5. Re-read the feedback and ask: What's true in this?
6. Identify one actionable takeaway
7. Note how your reaction changed with time

Why it works: Writing creates distance and helps process emotional reactions.

Creating a Feedback Culture

In Relationships

• Establish that feedback is caring, not criticism
• Make feedback regular rather than exceptional
• Model receiving feedback gracefully
• Express appreciation when feedback is given

In Teams

• Normalize giving and receiving feedback
• Establish psychological safety first
• Train people in feedback skills
• Create structured opportunities for feedback

For Yourself

• Seek feedback proactively
• Make it easy for others to give you feedback
• Show that you act on feedback received
• Don't punish people for honest feedback

Common Challenges and Solutions

When Feedback Indicates Deeper Issues

Sometimes feedback reveals patterns that need more attention:

• Repeated feedback on the same issue
• Emotional reactions that seem disproportionate
• Difficulty accepting any critical feedback
• Patterns related to self-worth or identity

In these cases, working with a therapist or coach can help address underlying dynamics.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider working with a coach or therapist if:

• You struggle to give feedback without damaging relationships
• Receiving feedback triggers intense emotional reactions
• Past experiences make feedback feel dangerous
• You're in a leadership role and need to develop feedback skills
• Feedback patterns suggest deeper personal development work is needed

Summary

• Feedback is essential for growth but often avoided or poorly handled
• Effective feedback is specific, behavioral, timely, and actionable
• Use frameworks like SBI to structure feedback clearly
• Receiving feedback requires managing the natural defensive response
• Create space between receiving feedback and responding
• Look for the grain of truth even in imperfectly delivered feedback
• Seek feedback proactively to build the muscle of receiving it
• Thank people for feedback to encourage future honesty
• Patterns in feedback reveal important areas for development